I tried to be a good girl yesterday (read: masturbate) for Master while he was off walking (he likes it when I do that sort of thing) and instead of feeling good about it, I felt more down.

Master says to me yesterday, "life's no fun when you're miserable" and I think, then don't make me miserable.

I was sick all weekend. Except for a stuffy nose (better than an ear infection), I'm pretty much physically better. But emotionally, I just felt more down as time went on.

Here's why.

I wanted to do the polite thing and introduce Master to the father of our daughter's friend during a field trip. Master wouldn't let me because he didn't care. It's not about caring. It's about being polite, and it hurt that he wouldn't let me do the socially polite thing. He's always up in arms about proper internet etiquette, but in real life that doesn't seem to matter. It also bothers me that he wasn't at all interested in meeting a person who has some influence over our daughter. . . But seriously, why can't we be polite in real life?

It was my birthday. I feel differently about the Prop 8 issue than Master does. During the course of a meal at a restaurant with his parents, we're there because it's my birthday, Master managed to bring up the decision made by the court, which was fine - I even said that with the current marriages staying intact that in a few years someone would say hey, if they can do it why can't I (not quite like that since he interrupted me, but whatever), he managed to insult me. Why couldn't we have left it at that? In a few years, a few, like a handful, prop 8 will be completely over turned, why did he have to go out of his way to insult me? Why did he have to encourage further comment, forcing me to stay silent on the issue in the effort to preserve harmony for what was supposed to be a pleasant outing? It really frustrated me and hurt my feelings. My father in law noticed. He gave me the kind of smile that he does when he knows I am making an effort to preserve the peace.

These first two things had nothing to do with being sick, these were things I was already going to talk to him about but then, I just started feeling worse after being sick all weekend.

The place is a disaster. Now, it wasn't perfectly clean because I got eaten by finals, but the place was worse off cleanliness wise. I had to do three days worth of dishes. Why, why couldn't he have at least done the dishes while I was sick? I did a batch while sick and then another yesterday.

On the second day that I was sick, I went to go talk to my clergyman about getting food orders from the church because it's been a month and Master still has no job. Why couldn't Master do that for me? I should not have been there exposing people to my illness. I know that Master is not of the same religion as I am, but the clergyman would have listened to him too and would have understood that I was sick. . .

On the first day I was sick I needed Master to go get our 72 hour kits we had ordered, but he didn't. All he had to do was drive down to the church and pick them up, they were already paid for. He couldn't be bothered, and would get upset with me in my fevered state when I would mention it. The email address isn't working so now I have to go through the high school to find the people I ordered from. Why couldn't he have alleviated this worry? When I mentioned what I was going to have to do to try to get the order and how it would have been so much simpler if he had just picked them up his response was "meh". This was upsetting to me. He doesn't care that we may lose out on $40 and that now I have to spend time dealing with this instead of on something else? He doesn't care because it's not him dealing with it? It was so, casually mean. . .

On the second day that I was sick I ended up having to make dinner. This was upsetting to me because I was still too sick to do it! Yes, I could manage it, but I was SICK. I should have been in bed, working on healing, not making food and trying not to breathe on it. I don't understand why it is that the moment I can stand up Master stops taking care of me. He's always been like that, even before we became Master and slave. But when he's sick I've always made sure he'd take it easy for a few days. I just don't understand it. And it really hurts my feelings.

I cried twice last night. But quietly because I didn't want to talk to him about this. I didn't want him to interrupt me or to get mad at me. He gave me a hug last night because I looked like I needed one while I was getting ready to fall asleep. That was true, I did. He said it looked like I wanted to say something. I said no, I didn't want to *say* anything. I wanted to write it, because at least then I'd be able to say my piece. (I am suddenly uncertain as to which piece should be here, peace or piece, hm.)

Anyway, I guess that's it.
Oh yeah, Master, you need to talk to talk to unemployment and see why the check isn't here yet. I'm reminding you here because I don't want you to get mad at me for mentioning it even though I'm *supposed* to help you remember this stuff. Reminds me of our kiddo. "Do you have your backpack?" "Yes, Mom" with a big exasperated sigh.

Okay, I guess that it for real now.