I've been having trouble sleeping for the last three nights despite being tired. Last night I suddenly realized why. After reading this gem: http://mahonristewart.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-kingdom-of-priests-my-support-for.html
I realized that I was feeling uncertain about my place in all this. I believe in female ordination but all that implies, but where does that leave me; a Mormon woman in a Total Power Exchange relationship?
I remember soon after being collared laying on the bed, thinking to myself, “Oh my god, what have I done? Is this really the right thing to do? Give up my freedom, my agency?” The agency to choose is a really big deal in Mormonism and I just gave it up to Master. As I was thinking these somewhat panicky thoughts, I started to pray, asking my Heavenly Father if I was indeed doing the right thing. And then these words, words that did not feel like my own, came into my mind, “This is how he will be able to trust you again.” That fixed it for me since I knew God wouldn't give me the green light for something that would be bad for me.
Interestingly enough, years later (last year I think?) Master told me that he needed that level of trust from me in order to be able to trust me again. I was like, wow, because dang, that's what God said. It was cool. We went from having a broken failing relationship to a renewed one.
Anyway, so here I am now, with this very powerful spiritual experience, thinking that perhaps I was doing it wrong or something because “all are alike unto God”, but I'm not doing it wrong. I'm doing what's right for me so where do I fit in the grand eternal scheme of things?
So I started thinking about the nature of TPE. What is involved with it? What principles are behind it? This is what came to mind (in order starting from the first!) Trust. The degree of trust involved is astounding. I have to trust Master without any degree of reservation. He has to do the same with me. He has to know that I follow his orders when he's not around. I have to trust that he will make the best decisions for our family. So, for this level of trust there also has to be a high level of faith in the other person and of charity. Faith that Master won't purposefully be cruel to me. Faith that I won't go out of my way to undermine his authority. Charity (the Bible definition, about not envying, being long suffering, being patient, kind, unselfish, etc, sometimes charity is translated as love) so that when we both make mistakes we can forgive one another, and let it go which means we would still have a high degree of trust in each other. Of course, this means there must be a high degree of communication, consideration for the other person, and actually listening to the other person regardless of status.
I then realized those same elements are required in egalitarian relationships. That's how the best ones work. So, in essence, I'm still learning the same heavenly principles but using a different curriculum. Both kinds of relationships take a lot of work. Are there TPE relationships in highest order of heaven? I don't know, but I don't think it matters much because if it does and we both get there, we'll be happy. If it doesn't, and we both get there, then since we'll have practiced the same principles we'll still be apply those and be happy.
A happy slave makes for a happy Master. A happy Master makes for a happy slave. We both do things we don't have to do to make the other person happy. Master doesn't order me to do everything. Some things I do out of habit now started out because it was a simple way for me to serve and make him smile. Master doesn't have to help out with the dishes like he did just this past Saturday, but he does it because it helps me and our family. In a weird way, by being a responsible owner Master serves me too. But unlike a cat, I know I'm not the one in charge.
In a happy egalitarian relationship wouldn't what I just said, “we both do things we don't have to do to make the other person happy” also apply? My friends and family who are in those kinds of relationships seem to think so.
Now, I'm good. After this epiphany last night I was finally able to go to sleep. Thank you Master for helping me learn how to be self-reflective. We didn't even have to have a big production for me to figure something out this time. ;)